2011 Resolutions

Last year 2010 was full of change, accomplishments and some disappointments. Not much improvement in my health care situation other than my disease is still progressing. I have been able to make some changes which have had a great positive impact on slowing it somewhat.

I moved to the desert and hope to continue to loose weight. We have a new puppy and she keeps me busy. Banshee is a Leopard Catahoula and a good companion to Scooby who is getting on in years.

The kids love the desert and the space which is huge.

My hopes for this year, 2010 is to stick my plans:
1. getting to exercise daily
2. writing more & getting things published
3. enjoying life more including new art
4. being more diligent about the popsicle stix
5. find more time to meditate and do yoga
6. take time out for photography by myself again barns, desert, sand dunes, beaches & getting more photos published
7. going on a cruise
8. unplug more things more often
9. accomplish 5 things on my bucket list
10. enjoy traveling and go to 5 places I've never been

little steps

Sometimes God sends you a clear message

I've been battling PTSD and depression for some time since 9/11. Unfortunately the counseling has not always been paid although it is helpful. The different programs have NOT always been timely in paying or just plain out DENIED paying. This made it hard to get and stay in counseling. Practitioners don't want non paying clients. They need to pay the officer rent, liability insurance, electric, water etc. for their practice.

So today, while having a major depressive episode for the past month from a few 9/11 issues, two 9/11 responders lost, God sent me a message.

Just in case my faith was not being strong enough, just in case my one was not within reach to hold onto, God sent my therapist! Yes! In her convertible. She dropped off someone across the street from my home at the very precise moment I was outside. That is DEVINE INTERVENTION if I ever experienced it.

I approached her and told her God sent her. She laughed and told me to call the office and make an appointment.

Brian MacCauley died this week. I dug out the poem from WH Auden "Stop all the clocks" bumped into the therapist when I went to get the mail and thought there really must be a plan for me. I fell off the track and now God wants me back on it.


There are so many different balls in the air that I am afraid if I drop one, I will never be able to juggle or live again. Life can be just complicated and when you juggle by yourself....

Every one is a judge, has advice, wants you to listen to their complaints but how often does anyone call and ask, HOW ARE YOU? Really? or Can I bring you ?? or sends me something a note, flower petals or leaves a message of caring and kindness? Just for the sake of saying, I was thinking of YOU! or I appreciate you! or I LOVE YOU!

I think this whole dying syndrome makes me look at life so different and having to make plans for my children when I am gone is the most scary thing I've had to do.

Trust! Trust! Time is so important and PTSD requires time to think and time to process and sometimes, its scary to think about it.

I am not ready.

I want to hang on so hard and I cant get a grip.

I ask myself, is this another message from God asking to be strong, grab on and hold tight?

But when I wake up from my failed nap and get ready to get my son at school, the white convertible pulls up. God it talking to me. No phone, no Fed Ex, just directly.